Epiphany
by Isaleah
Summary: Can a person be both spiritual and a scientist? One fateful summer night in Portugal, Mary Malone has to face this question.


The luggage was packed, waiting next to the door. Mary reached out to grab her handbag, when suddenly the telephone rang. Her mother! Oh dear, she totally forgot to call her before she was due to go. Quickly, she hurried around the desk and on the third ring, she picked up.

"Mother? I'm about to leave, yes."

Her mother spoke quickly and with concern.

"Are you sure you should go, darling?"

Mary was a little impatient. Of course she should. She was definitely old enough and able to handle herself out there, in the world. It was not like she spent her whole life behind bars. Her convent didn't even have bars. All she had to do was to put her faith in God. He had sent her this invitation with a reason, she was sure. This was the path she was supposed to go, she could feel it.

"Yes, we already talked it through several times, and it's important for my future career. What on earth should happen to me? It's an international conference. Renowned people! It's not like they're going to eat me."

Or course, she knew there was nothing to be afraid of. She'd been faithful all her life, and this was also a bit of a reward for her. It was not only that she wanted to go to listen to other people speak, no. She was invited so that she could speak to others about her work. And this was quite an honour, so she wouldn't miss this opportunity for the world.

"I know, I know. It's just that you don't even speak Portuguese."

Mary sighed. She had explained this dozens of times, and still, it wasn't enough. "As I said, it's an international conference, and all of them will be able to speak English. I won't be lost, I promise."

"Alright, then. Come back safe."

"Bye, Mother."

Mary hung up and paused for a second in her movement. Then she smiled. She set herself in motion again, finally grabbed her bag and her luggage and left her university office. Of course her mother was concerned. So far, Mary didn't have had many opportunities to travel. She had lived a sheltered, simple life and never wished for something else. In fact, she had never even left England. But still, she didn't know of any reason why she shouldn't go - no, she was looking forward to going. It was all so very exciting! And she wouldn't let anyone ruin her trip with concerns. She would do the right thing, just like she always did.

# # #

Hot air brushed Mary's face as she left the plane. It was a sunny, mid-August day in Portugal, and she couldn't recall ever feeling such temperatures before. The air in the plane had been quite chilly, and now the hot sunbeams tickled on her arms. She had goosebumps all over her body, and a shiver went down her spine. Luckily, she didn't have problems finding her way through the airport even though she was in a foreign country, so she successfully made her way through security. Outside, a taxi was already waiting for her, to bring her to her hotel.

The driver didn't speak English, so for the first time she now had the full feeling of being in a foreign country. And it was so exciting! The landscape that rushed past outside the window was a whole new world to her. It looked so completely different to everything she had seen before – which actually was not quite much. One summer, her parents had planned to make a trip to the Highlands with her, but because her father broke his leg just three days before the planned trip, she hadn't even made it to Scotland yet. Oh, she was absolutely thrilled! Not only because of this country, no. There was also the fact that she should present her work. Of course, she had spent a lot of time and energy into her project, and therefore she was totally happy that now, she would be given a lot of credit for it. And all by international scientists, some of them really famous! What if she started to stutter, or if she had a blackout? She would totally look like a fool in front of all these renowned people! But no, that wouldn't happen. Jesus was with her, like he always was, and he wouldn't abandon her just like that. She was prepared and she was confident, and nothing could go wrong. With this thought, she tried to start a silent prayer, but the land that kept rushing by her window distracted her, and so kept her thoughts rushing, too.

In the hotel, she finally found some time for a prayer. She needed some room for herself and Jesus, and so she enjoyed the quiet chamber. It was quite luxurious, though. Her University definitely forked out money in accommodating her in one of the best hotels in town. She had a king-size bed, a sofa, a state-of-the-art TV set and in her bathroom even a whirlpool. She was absolutely not used to such comforts, and they made her a little uneasy. Not that she generally wasn't able to resist such temptations, but still. This lavishness reminded her of people who were not as steady in their lives as she was, and usually she pitied them for that. So instead of using the whirlpool, she took a quick shower to freshen up. Then Mary headed down to the lobby, where another taxi should be waiting for her to bring her to the conference centre. She was due to present her paper the next day around noon, but today there would be all of the introductions, and some of those experts whose papers actually inspired her to her recent work. She usually imagined that these works were sent by Jesus to her desk, to give her the inspiration she needed. What a great feeling that had been! And now she would finally meet those people who actually wrote these papers. In the elevator she tried to think about what to say to all these people, but then she just stopped. There was no use thinking it all through before, because of course everything also depends on circumstance. Jesus was with her and would guide her through this meeting. Yeah, he had sent her these people's work, so he would also arrange for her to not act like an idiot, especially not because her devotion to Jesus was the reason why she wasn't used to this. And Jesus knew it, too, so he wouldn't abandon her. All she had to do was to put her full faith into him.

# # #

"...and thank you for your attention."

Mary smiled into the room. She had the feeling that she breathed for the first time in half an hour, but all went surprisingly well. Her presentation was a full success. The first five minutes, she still spoke with an insecure voice and stuttered two or three times, but then she found her serenity: Jesus was with her, he wouldn't abandon her during her speech. This feeling was so overwhelming that she forgot her anxieties and could talk freely and without any difficulties.

Her audience clapped, and then she answered all the questions she was asked. At home, her mentor had told her that every time she needed a little time to think, she should take a sip of water; that would give her some space. But she didn't even need that. In fact, she was eager to answer all those questions asked by her colleagues. The feeling was incredible. Her work meant something, and so far, she had never felt it more clearly than in this moment.

After almost an hour of discussion, she thanked her audience again and headed to her seat. Next to her sat John, a physicist from UCLA, who earlier presented a brilliant paper on theoretical physics, and who now patted her on the shoulder.

"I told you everything would be fine. Well done!"

John smiled at Mary. He was the one who had reassured her before it was her time to talk. He had already known Mary's paper and so he had been able to convince her that everything would be fine if she just kept her nerves and her wits. And so she did, and she smiled back, happily.

"Thanks. But I have to say, I am so incredibly relieved..."

John laughed a quiet, little laugh.

"I can imagine. I still remember the first time I had to read one of my papers in front of a room full of incredibly smart and successful physicists. Halfway through, I suddenly had a blackout. Just at that point when I started to feel comfortable! Good Lord, that was horrible."

As usual, Mary winced when she heard the way John used the Lord's name. She wouldn't say anything because she didn't like to boast with her beliefs or to force her own attitude on other people, but still she simply didn't like to hear that. It was more being startled than being angry, even though she had already got quite used to it, being confronted with students she had to teach, and of course they swore a lot.

"Anyways. We're going to this nice little restaurant near the beach tomorrow. You'd like to join us? I noticed you went straight back to your hotel yesterday evening. And you really shouldn't do that. Conferences are also meant to get to know each other a little, making some contacts..."

Mary hesitated, but only for a second. He was right! It was the first time she ever did something like this, and she wanted to do it right. And who said this was more than just another discussion on physics, only in a nice atmosphere? She was a grown woman, and they were not about to do anything forbidden. On the contrary! There was nothing wrong with what her colleagues were about to do, or at least she couldn't think of any serious reason not to go. Also in her job it was important to have contacts to other universities and other scientists. Her career had just started, and here was a chance for another big step!

"Oh... yes, sure! Thank you."

Politely she smiled at him, and John smiled back. Then, both had to focus on the next presentation. An elderly Indian man presented his paper, and his English was not the best, so Mary had to concentrate really hard to follow him. His work, though, was excellent. For a while, Mary almost envied him for his experience, but then again... her academic life had just begun. Who knows, maybe in 40 years she would be the one being envied by young scientists.

After the presentation, John nudged her with his elbow.

"Okay then. Tomorrow, seven o'clock in the hotel lobby!"

Mary was surprised. So he stayed at the same hotel? She never noticed. Then again, so far she had spent most of her time here in Portugal either at the conference or in her hotel room. John noticed her confusion and laughed.

"Don't worry, I'm not a stalker. I saw you leaving our hotel this morning, when I left the elevator. I was calling so we could leave together, but you didn't hear me, obviously."

No... Obviously not. Of course her mind had been too preoccupied with her presentation, so there could have been a bomb and she wouldn't have noticed. Now that was a little embarrassing, and in fact she blushed. Seemed like it wasn't as easy as she would have thought, out in the real world...

John laughed again when he saw her blushing.

"Never mind. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

Mary cleared her throat.

"Okay then... seven o'clock in the lobby. Alright."

John stood up and went away, leaving Mary a little puzzled. This was all new terrain to her. But now that John was gone, so was her pudency. Actually, she was totally looking forward to this evening. Spending another night with her colleagues, how great! A lot better than spending the evening all alone in her hotel room again. She still had so many questions, concerning some of the papers that were presented today. And also, she was a little interested in how people managed to have their projects funded. Some of them didn't sound too promising, and then it was of course hard to find a sponsor. But you'd never find out anything really outstanding if you weren't willing to take some risks. Of course, some scientists spent their entire career researching in a field without gaining anything, but yes... some risks just had to be taken. And she was also determined enough to take this risk. At least she had enough faith to know that she wouldn't be too disappointed if her plans or researches wouldn't work out. At least she would know that she had tried everything.

# # #

It was half past six, and Mary stood in her hotel room. She was nervous and excited and for the first time in her life, she wondered what she would wear. That was a serious problem if you didn't have to wear the habit... Of course all of her clothes were more than just conservative for most of the people, but still... she just didn't want to stand out. Even though she would naturally stand out as about eighty percent of the scientists were men. Physics was still a male-oriented field... usually she didn't care, as she had no interest in any kind of not strictly work-related relationships, anyway. But today... she couldn't even say why, but this day was different. She didn't want to make a fool out of herself, there at the dinner table, between her colleagues. And another problem was the heat. It was incredible how hot it was in the evenings here in Portugal, and all her dresses were of course long and covered much of her skin. Finally, she managed to choose a skirt and a blouse and slipped in. Then a short prayer, and then she finally grabbed her bag and headed down to the lobby.

John and two other colleagues were already waiting for her. She smiled and quickly went over to them.

"Hi Mary. You look beautiful", one of the other two men said with a Texan accent. Maxwell, if she remembered correctly. Mary had seen him before at the conference, but so far never spoken to him directly. She smiled shyly. Of course she knew that Americans were a lot faster with compliments than Europeans, but still it made her feel a little uncomfortable. She knew there was nothing particularly beautiful about her, especially not compared to the way women here normally dressed. John seemed to notice she was uncomfortable, so he intervened.

"Okay, let's go."

The restaurant was just some streets away from their hotel. It was a nice walk, even though it was still hot outside. Mary walked between John and Maxwell, and after the first two minutes she finally started to relax again. She was with friends, and everything was alright. Nothing to be afraid of – or to be ashamed. Actually, they were even talking about physics! Only in a wider sense, as Maxwell told funny stories from the guy who had his office next to him, and who was an astrophysicist. But Mary was sure that it was still alright. Stories from the lab – safe territory.

At the restaurant, some others were already waiting for them. They had chosen a large table in the garden of the restaurant, underneath a lemon tree, with all sorts of flowers between the trees. It was really beautiful. This is a glimpse of what paradise must have looked like, Mary thought. She chose her place next to John, at the end of the table, because she already knew him and felt comfortable next to him. Across the table sat a young Italian she had encountered maybe two or three times today – Alfonso, if she remembered correctly. He seemed rather shy as well and simply smiled politely across the table, as if he didn't dare addressing her. Mary smiled back, not knowing what to say. With John, such situations never happened. He was not a real lady's man, either, but he was good at talking to anybody, which made it incredibly easy for Mary to feel relaxed. She was among friends, and she wouldn't be the weird one. She felt incredible.

The waiter appeared and brought their first round of red wine. One colleague from Lisbon's University addressed them all again, and after a cheerful toast Mary took a sip of her wine. Of course she had had wine before, but she couldn't recall it being so delicious. The whole ambiance here made it taste almost magical. She turned around to speak with John, but he was busy talking with his neighbour on his other side. Still smiling, Mary turned back – and accidentally looked into the eyes of Alfonso. They were dark and beautiful with long lashes, she noticed, even though he wasn't the most handsome man she'd ever seen. His face was a little too round, and his nose a little too flat. Not that she'd care, though. Her love belonged solely to Jesus. Alfonso pushed his dark, wavy hair back with a little nervous gesture and shyly smiled back. Mary didn't know what to say, so she took a sip of her wine again. This whole evening started to confuse her a bit. Was this the reason why she usually stayed behind, in really safe territory? She turned again, but John was still busy talking to Ludovic, the postgraduate who was sitting on his other side. She could hear him laugh a lot, even though she could tell from some of the words she picked up that they were indeed talking about their research.

"So... particle physics. Have you ever been to CERN?"

Mary almost jumped as Alfonso suddenly addressed her. As a matter of fact, she hadn't. Of course not. It was not like she didn't want to; it was just that she never had the opportunity to go. Just that she didn't even know why – after all she was a respected scientist and all. CERN! Of course she had dreamed of being part of something as big as CERN. But then again she had her faith, and everything she missed in her career was paid back at least twice by her spiritual life. And she knew that was more than most of the disillusioned other scientists had.

"No, unfortunately not. But only God knows what's to come. And yes... I'd love to!"

Alfonso smiled again and told he'd been working at CERN for the past five years now. They exchanged ideas and opinions on their researches, and before Mary noticed, their dinner was served. She never noticed how quickly time passed; she had arrived over an hour ago! She sighed. By now the sun was setting, leaving everything in warm, golden lights. Waiters had lit lanterns spread throughout the garden, which enhanced the magical atmosphere. Mary leaned back as she was given her dinner: sardinhas assadas and fresh salad. She quickly glanced across the table – Alfonso had ordered the same dish, but that was not too surprising, as already on the first day they had been told that this would be something they definitely had to try. Alfonso noticed her glance and pushed his hair back again. Mary had already noticed that he did that a lot. It was a shy little gesture, and she just loved it. It looked like he felt exactly like she did: still a little embarrassed by the whole thing, but oddly comfortable at the same time. Mary wondered if Alfonso had noticed something similar in her behaviour, something she wouldn't know she was doing all the time. What would he think of her? Did he think she was nice? Or even pretty? She knew she was smart; there was a lot of evidence for that. But so far she had never been called pretty. Not that she wished for it, though. Of course not. Or did she? She looked up from her sardines, and caught Alfonso gazing at her. She blushed a little and smiled back. Oh yes... if she was honest with herself, she wished he thought she was pretty. And she wasn't even ashamed of this thought, no, she enjoyed it. It was all just part of this wonderful evening, here in this perfect summer in Portugal. The sardines were great, the wine was the best she'd ever had, and the scent of the flowers around her mixed with all the different dishes on the table. She just couldn't stop smiling.

Both Mary and Alfonso had been quiet for a while, enjoying their meal, but then started to talk again. This time not about physics, no. Alfonso had four sisters, and he shared some childhood memories, and also some stories from his nieces and nephews. He himself wasn't married, as he mentioned in passing. Mary had the strong urge to tell him she wasn't married, either. She should probably mention the fact that she was ordained as a nun, but she simply didn't. Instead, she was happy that he didn't have a girlfriend waiting for him. She took another sip from her wine and simply smiled at him. He pushed his hair back again and Mary's stomach prickled. She knew she shouldn't feel this feeling, but it was nice and enjoyable, and she just didn't want to fight it for once.

When they all finished their dinner, some desserts were brought to the table. By now, the sun had faded completely, and the garden was lit mainly by candles on their table and by the lanterns spread over the garden. The leaves of the lemon tree built a green-yellow roof above their heads and the air was fresh and a little salty after all the heat of the day. Mary was totally enchanted when John suddenly turned to her.

"Here, you have to try this. It's absolutely delicious!"

By now, Mary had almost forgotten about John, who used to be her anchor. She turned around and laughed.

"Oh, dessert? Lovely."

John handed her some little cube of she knew not what, but in her daring mood, she just took a bite. Marzipan cake! Or rather... marzipan, in form of a cake. It didn't have any other taste than marzipan. It was delicious! And then, all of a sudden, a storm of memories rushed into Mary's head. It was mainly pictures and feelings, all at once. There was a picture of this boy she liked, the taste of marzipan again, and the taste of his lips on hers. There was an aching feeling for this boy, and a longing for him after she had seen him for the last time. There was all the excitement of a teenager in love for the first time, and the excitement of having someone else in love with you. And there was regret that she spent the next 15 years without ever feeling like this again. Then one thought struck her mind: It was no one else than Jesus who inhibited this feeling. For another split second, Mary felt angry. She was angry with Jesus, for doing this to her, and with herself, for letting him do this to her. Then this moment passed, too. And then all the puzzlement fell from her. She looked up, and while she swallowed the marzipan, she looked right into Alfonso's eyes.

# # #

For the rest of their time in the restaurant, Mary decided that for the first time, she would enjoy this evening without regret or shame. She leaned back, ordered another glass of red wine and heartily laughed about something Alfonso's neighbour said. She exchanged glances with Alfonso, who laughed as well. How happy he looked! If he could be happy without dedicating his life to Christianity, why shouldn't she be able to do the same? It was not like her life had no sense without her belief. On the contrary! She was a renowned scientist, and she didn't need the glory of God to find her work inspiring and fulfilling. At least that was what she understood now. Jesus was not adding to her life, he was taking away possibilities. The possibility to love and be loved in return, for example.

When the whole group left the restaurant, Alfonso was walking next to her.

"We can go walk at the beach, if you want..."

Mary looked up and nodded, smiling. Oh yes, she wanted! They said goodbye to the rest of the group, and walked down the street.

"It's just a down this street, I've been there yesterday evening, too," Alfonso explained.

"I..." Mary touched her neck, a little uncomfortable, but Alfonso didn't notice. "I was in my hotel room, yesterday evening. I was nervous because of my presentation, you see?" She raised her hand and hid the crucifix behind her blouse.

Alfonso nodded.

"I can relate to that. It was your first presentation, not?"

"In this kind of environment, yes. And... I was dying!"

Admitting this was so easy. She laughed. They talked a while about the worst presentations they had ever witnessed, and laughed a lot. Then they reached the beach. The water seemed black and endless. Behind them, the city lights were shining, and in the far distance, a crescent rose.

"Alfonso? Would you wait for me for a second?"

She stopped to slip out of her shoes. She wanted to feel the sand between her toes – it was still warm. Her Italian friend stopped and smiled.

"Actually... my name is Alfredo."

"Oh..." Mary was embarrassed and blushed on the spot. "I'm so sorry." Then she giggled. "You may call me Mandy, in revenge!"

Mary sounded so... holy. She just didn't want to feel holy any more. She wanted to feel free, and like the independent, successful young woman that she was. She repeated this in her head: This was who she was. An independent, successful young woman. Yes.

Alfredo took off his shoes, too.

"The water is still warm. Come with me, you have to feel this... Mandy!"

Both were laughing all the way down to the water. Feeling rather bold after her epiphany and after the red wine she had had, she linked her arm with his.

They walked together at the shore for quite a long time, silently talking, then again just being quiet, enjoying each other's company and the beautiful scenery. The breeze was playing with her hair, and sometimes it sent shivers down her spine when a particularly cold one touched her skin. She was having the best time of her life, she suddenly realised. And this was not because of Jesus, but rather because of his absence. With a sudden movement, she took out the crucifix again, slowly opened it in her neck, weighed it for a moment in her hand, and then she tossed it into the dark water.


End file.
